Joey sits alone, back against the service station’s bay door, a bottle of cherry Fanta tucked between his outstretched legs. The station, usually alive with the sound of drills and grinders, torque wrenches, hack saws, and oil pans hitting the floor, is silent. It is almost eleven and most of the surrounding neighborhood is closed for business, as well.
The quiet is broken when a football hits his leg and wobbles away. “Gotcha,” says Andy, as he removes a gas pump from its cradle and waves it about.
Mikey, dressed in cutoff jeans, a letter jacket, and penny loafers, stands in the middle of the intersection, one hand over his heart and the other raised, as if beckoning. He takes a deep breath and wails at the top of his lungs---“When a man loves a woman, can’t keep his mind on nothin’ else…” His eyes are clamped shut and his Adam’s apple is bobbing. He stops abruptly.
“So, how was that?” he hollers.
“C’mon, not this again,” says Andy.
“Just tell me.”
Andy and Joey look at each other and rub their chins, as if in deliberation. Mikey has walked up the driveway and is standing beside them. “C’mon.”
“I don’t know, Joey, what do you think?”
Joey grimaces and holds his hand up, thumb and forefinger apart. “I think he came so close to hitting that high note, just inches away. I could almost hear it, but it was just out of reach.”
“Yeah, near miss. Close but no cigar.”
Mikey frowns and kicks Joey’s leg.
“This is true, buddy,” said Andy.
Mikey stands over Joey, his hand out.
“What?” says Joey.
“You got a dime?”
Joey digs into his jeans pocket, pulls out a dime, and flips it to his friend. “How come you never have any money?”
“Because you always do.”
Mikey buys a coke then sits down on the pavement beside his friend.
Andy starts jumping on the bell hose. “Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring…”
“Short trip.” Andy fake glares at Joey then jumps on the hose four more times before joining them. He digs into his pocket, pulls out a dime, and drops it into the slot. He studies his options and presses Fresca.
“Hey, man, what’s with the Fresca? It tastes like piss,” says Mikey.
“You should know,” says Andy.
“Okay, Trev,” says Andy. Trev lays rubber as he speeds away. “Wonder who he was out with tonight? He can have any girl he wants,” says Andy, a smile on his face.
“Was supposed to see Janine, but he cancelled. Just needed some time,” says Joey.
“Yeah, I get it,” says Mikey.
Joey takes another sip of his Fanta. Mikey and Andy grow restless. They decide a stone throwing contest is in order.
Joey watches as they disappear into the field across the street. He leans back and looks at the full moon’s distinctive face. The sky, black as velvet, sparkles. He easily finds the dippers, Orion’s belt, and the Milky Way. He smiles. Towering sycamores line the street, their massive, naked arms stretching to the sky. He wonders how old they are, how many people have come and gone in their lifetime.
Mikey and Andy are razzing each other unmercifully. They race back to the gas station. Joey asks who won and both say “I did.”
They collapse beside Joey and drink their pop. For a few moments no one speaks.
“I wonder when Trev’s gonna be here. Maybe he changed his mind,” says Andy.
“He’s coming, don’t worry about it,” says Mikey.
“Yeah, he’ll be here. I’m sure of it,” says Joey.
He stands, walks to the bottle rack, and drops his empty in. He rests his hands on his hips and looks at the sky again.
“What are you doing, man?” says Andy.
“Thinking.”
“Thinking?”
“Yeah, thinking about science class today. Mr. Hopper’s been talking about the universe.”
“Yeah, I’m in your class, dufus…remember?” says Mikey.
Joey ignores him. “So, today he was talking about stars.”
“Uh huh.”
“And he said that when you look at a star, it might not actually be there.”
“Whadaya mean? You look up and what you see is what you see,” says Andy.
“Not really. Listen. It takes so long for the light to get here, the star could have burned out in the meantime.”
“In our class, Haswell never said anything about stars dying,” says Andy, shrugging. “So, this for real?”
“Yeah, for real. Stars die.”
“I fell asleep while Hopper was talking, but I don’t remember him saying stuff about stars, especially dead ones,” says Mikey.
Mikey and Andy slurp their pop. Andy burps. Mikey farts.
“Okay, so---dead stars. Doesn’t make sense,” says Andy. “Does it? Joey?”
Joey picks up a stone and tosses it back and forth between his hands, then takes a couple of steps and heaves it as far as he can. “Here’s what I think about the whole thing. Nothing lasts, nothing lives forever. Not stars, not those trees over there, and not us. So, yeah, the light may still be there, but that doesn’t mean the star is.”
Trev comes running down the street, ballcap on his head and Converses on his feet. He slows to a walk as he gets closer. He sees Joey gesturing and shaking his head. Andy and Mikey’s brows are furrowed. He walks up the drive, a thin smile on his face.
“Hey,” he says, then drops a dime in the slot and gets a Vernor’s ginger ale. “What’s up?”
“Did you know stars die?” says Mikey.
“Joey’s talking about death,” says Andy.
Trev takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.
“I thought we weren’t gonna talk about stuff like that tonight. I thought we agreed we were gonna kick back. Joey?”
“Sorry, Trev, but it’s in the air. Can’t pretend it isn’t. You know that better than anybody.”
“You were there. I mean, you saw the whole thing, right?” says Andy.
“No,” says Trev, an edge to his voice. “Not exactly.”
“But you saw it, right? You were the only one.”
Trev bristles and shuffles his feet. “There were cars on the bridge. There were other people. I mean the bridge was like a fucking parking lot.” He raises the bottle of ginger ale, but doesn’t drink. “There was this lady and she kept screaming and another one kept calling for a doctor. Some guy got angry and said, ‘Why aren’t the goddam police here?’” Trev huffs air through is nose. “Jerks. It was way too late for any of that. It was over. The kid was gone.” He pours his Vernor’s on the ground and tosses the bottle toward the rack.
When the boys were younger, they hated walking across the bridge, it was so high. When cars drove by, it vibrated and shook like it was coming apart. They would gasp and walk as far from the railing as possible, afraid that if they didn’t, they’d get sucked over the edge. Eventually, the bridge became ‘just a bridge,’ nothing to fear, although even the most fleeting thought of falling would send chills down their spines.
“Hey man, you don’t have to talk about this. Sorry I brought up the whole death thing. It’s just, well, it’s on everyone’s mind, you know?” says Joey.
“For sure,” says Andy.
Mikey shrugs his shoulders, “I didn’t even know the kid’s name, but still…”
Trev’s face is ghostly white. He swallows and raises his eyebrows.
“Harden.”
“What?”
“The kid’s name was Harden.”
“Oh.”
Harden lived one block over from Trev. He was a skinny kid who wore glasses with dark frames that covered his cheeks. He always had a bundle of books under his arm. Something about him made Trev think of a feather. If they passed each other on the sidewalk, Trev always said hi. Harden would look down and mumble.
“I can’t believe he lived near you. What are the chances?” says Andy. “What kind of kid was he?”
Other kids loved to torment Harden. Twice Trev had intervened when some boys were about to beat him up. The first time, two boys were holding him against a tree while the third was about to punch his face. The second time, they were chasing Harden and calling him names like “wimp” or “punk” or “faggot.” Trev grabbed one of the boys by the arm and the other two froze. He told them they’d better never step foot on this block again.
Afterwards, he asked Harden if he was okay, and he nodded his head. He walked away as fast as he could.
“Why in the world would he jump off the bridge? I mean, that’s totally crazy,” says Andy.
“Who knows, maybe he didn’t jump. Maybe he was leaning on the fence for fun, and just lost his balance and was gone. I mean, shit,” says Mikey.
“I don’t know. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t an accident.”
“What do you mean, Trev?” says Joey.
“He did it on purpose.”
“How do you know?”
“I just know.”
Trev places a hand over his mouth, and rubs one eye.
“Are you sure? You said you just happened to cross the bridge when there were people already there, like, after he’d jumped. So, how could you know if he meant to or not?”
Trev bends over, head down, hands on his knees.
“What is it, Trev?” says Joey.
“It wasn’t exactly like I said. I didn’t get there right after it happened. I got there right before it happened.”
“No,” says Andy.
“I was walking across and he was coming from the other direction. He had his books under his arm and he was looking at the cars traffic and he even looked over the edge at the water. Nothing odd, you know. I mean he looked like he always looked, except, now that I think about it, calmer, he looked calmer.”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” says Mikey.
“So, as he got closer, I smiled at him and said, hey, Harden, and he looked up at me, right at my face, he’d never done that, and he said, hi, Trevor. I said, take it easy, and he said, okay. And I kept walking. Made me feel good that he seemed different, I mean a good kind of different. When I got to the end of the bridge, I turned around and there he was, still in the middle. That seemed odd to me. I mean, why’d he stop? I kept watching, you know, and he…he looked at me and I waved, and…”
Trev feels like there’s a fist clogging his throat. He bends over again. The guys surround him. He works hard to catch his breath and find his words.
“That’s okay, man, really, that’s enough,” says Joey. “Let’s head home, call it a night.”
“Yeah,” say Mikey and Andy.
Trev doesn’t speak. He straightens his back and takes several deep breaths, blowing them out between his lips. He wipes his eyes hurriedly. He doesn’t make eye contact with any of his friends.
“Yeah, so, like I said, I waved and yelled hey. But he put one leg up on the rail and just…I mean, he just rolled over the top.”
Trev ran back. Harden’s books were on the sidewalk, perfectly stacked. He tried not to look, but he had to. He had to see if what he thought happened, had happened. He leaned over the rail and, far below, Harden was lying on the rocks in shallow water, his legs and arms splayed, his glasses beside him. Trev screamed Harden’s name once, twice, three times. He squinted, hoping to see movement of some kind. He fell to his knees and wept.
By then, cars had stopped and everyone was hysterical. Trev was stunned. For a moment he thought he was in a nightmare and he’d wake up in his bed and he’d get up and get dressed and go to school without telling anyone about it. Maybe by the time he got to school, he wouldn’t even remember it.
He looked over the edge again and then walked away. Someone called to him, “Are you okay?” but he didn’t answer.
When Trevor got home, he could still hear the sirens, he could feel them. He opened the door and headed into the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of milk from the refrigerator, took off the cap, and gulped. He found sugar cookies in the cookie jar and ate a half dozen. He went into the living room, turned on the TV, and watched the Three Stooges. The grandfather clock in the corner struck five. His mom and dad would be home soon. He got up, walked into the powder room, and threw up into the toilet. He wiped his mouth, then went into his bedroom and fell asleep on the floor.
“I can’t believe it,” says Joey. “I mean, he didn’t hesitate?”
“No, not at all.”
“Like I said, the kid must have been crazy, or something,” says Andy.
Trev glares at him.
Mikey looks confused. “You actually looked down at him and he was all dead? I’ve never seen a dead body. Could you see his face? Like, was it all bloody and stuff?”
Trev doesn’t answer. He feels nauseous again, perspiration dampening is forehead.
Joey stands, then sits down again. “The only dead person I’ve ever seen was my grandma.”
“I remember your grandma. She sat on your front porch that summer and waved whenever we went by. Nice lady,” says Mikey.
“Yeah, she lived with us for a while before she died. I was like eight. My parents told me I didn’t have to go to the funeral home, but I thought, this is my grandma, you know, if it’s your grandma you gotta go out of respect. So, I went, and she was in the coffin across the room with all these flowers around her, and I was leaning against the wall. And from where I was standing, I thought, that’s just Grandma. She looked like she was asleep. So, I walked over and stood beside her. She had her flowery Sunday dress on and her favorite pearl necklace, even her glasses. Her hair was all done up. It was kind of comforting. But after I watched her for a few minutes, I thought this is not sleep, she’s not moving, she’s not breathing, and she never will again. Never. She may look like she’s here but she’s gone.”
“Geez, Joey, what did you do?” says Mikey. “I mean, when my grandfather died, my parents didn’t let any of us go to the funeral home or the wake. I was glad. I didn’t want to see him all dead. I just wanted to remember him, you know, like he was. Did it scare you? I mean, I woulda been scared to death.”
“I don’t remember feeling scared. I felt kind of numb.”
“Shit, that’s totally scary to me. I don’t like to think about that stuff. I avoid it like the plague. When I think about my parents dying…well, I can’t think about it,” says Andy.
Trev picks up the football and tucks it under his arm. He opens his mouth as if to speak, then closes it and stares at nothing.
“What?” says Joey.
“I guess this is different, you know. Harden was a young kid. And he chose to die. He decided to kill himself.” He shook his head and took a deep breath.
“Awful, just awful. Isn’t it illegal? I know it’s like the biggest of all the sins, but I also think it’s illegal,” says Mikey.
“What are the police gonna do? Arrest your carcass and put you in jail? Death is punishment enough,” says Andy.
“I wonder what he was thinking,” says Joey. “What went wrong? When he woke up that morning, did he think today I will kill myself. He was only, how old was he?”
“Twelve, I think.”
“After only twelve years, he decided this just isn’t worth it?”
“That’s why I think he was crazy, you know. If you’re crazy, you don’t always understand what you’re doing. Why else would he do it?”
“He didn’t look crazy to me,” says Trev. “To me, he looked hurt, like a deep down hurt you feel in your bones, and maybe he thought it would never go away, maybe he just got tired of it, something like that. You know, maybe the idea of dying felt good in some kind of way, I don’t know.”
“If he was feeling crummy, why didn’t he tell someone?” says Mikey.
“I don’t know. Maybe he did.”
It grows quiet again. Joey looks up, but the moon is gone and with it all the stars. Andy drifts toward the football and picks it up. He motions to Mikey, who jogs across the lot. Andy tosses a perfect spiral, Mikey catches it, and throws it back. Trev puts a dime in the vending machine, but nothing comes out.
The boys feel unsettled and are at a loss for what to say. They are worried but aren’t sure why.
Trev feels like his inner gyroscope is way off kilter, and he might fall and never get up again. He closes his eyes and replays that final scene. He opens them and shakes his head. Then he beats the machine with his fists and out come a Coke and a Fanta. He tosses the Fanta to Joey.
The wind picks up and it starts to drizzle. They stand together under the front door awning, waiting. When the drizzle turns to rain, Mikey and Andy decide to shove off. Joey and Trev huddle together for a while longer, drinking, but not talking.
Eventually, Joey says, “At least it was quick.”
“You know, I dropped a rock off the bridge and timed how long it took to hit the water. Three seconds. Doesn’t sound like much, does it? But try it---one-Mississippi…two-Mississippi…three-Mississippi. That’s a long time to think about what’s gonna happen.”
The rain picks up with no sign of stopping. There is a streak of lightning and then a thunder clap so close that they both cringe.
“Geez,” says Trev.
They wait five minutes and the rain returns to light drizzle.
“I think I’m gonna go, man, while the gettin’s good.”
“Sounds like a plan,” says Joey.
“You coming?”
“Always thinking Big Thoughts,” says Trev, forcing a smile.
“Hey, are there any other kind?”
Both boys chuckle and jab each other in the chest. Trev starts across the lot, then stops and turns around.
“You know what?”
“He waved. When he put his leg over the railing, he looked at me and he waved.”
“No. Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
“Man.”
“Yeah,” says Trev, as he turns and walks away.